I find myself in a space of getting to know me, but to you family and everyone else it seems I’m weird. I am not wierd, maybe I am but just a little. I think everyone has a little weird in them that makes up their personality. Yes, years ago in my teens I might have been crazy,weird, loud, flamboyant, but in truth it was all part of a facade hiding the pain of my early childhood that brought on fears and paranoia of not being the coolest kid in the class while hiding behind my glasses and my smart. I have gotten older and life has taught me a few things. I have changed I am not the same 16 year old teen with weird glasses and acne.
I have finally arrived at a place of acceptance of myself and others.I have grown in patience besides that its a job requirement as I work with little people. I am learning to be patient with myself and my goals/ dreams , especially those on my vision/dream board that is somehow still stuck in a deep sleep in REM stages 3 & 4.
Some could call it being comfortable being alone, or finding your Identity. I’ll say I haven’t quite found it yet as I am still being shaped and moulded by it. So in essence my identity is still being sought out by me. I do admit I don’t have lotsa friends I have a few. It’s said you can choose your friends not your family and I have learnt that lesson hard and well in early life, so as I get older I try and pursue wisdom as a pertinent source in my life.
So those in my present inner circle I trust that they will not hurt me, and turn out to be like those in my past those fake friends with fake smiles and fake hearts. Family I am quite okay if one of those in my trust/inner circle is not available for a hang or a coffee or movie date on the weekend. I am capable of entertaining myself whether it be finishing off my knitting, getting work done, blogging, playing guitar, gyming, writing, visiting the children’s orphanage in the neighbourhood or catching up on some sleep. Whatever it is I fancy doing if I don’t have band practise or some workshop or church event to attend on the weekend that has me occupied.
I am a big girl. I will be fine.
So forgive me if I don’t live up to your expectation and choose to chill by myself with no fear or hesitation. I know I am not an Island if I was you’d be the ocean that surrounds me anyway. I’m happy and secure in my own flesh, skin, thoughts, emotions. I love myself and not in a conceited I think I am better than you kinda way.
So please don’t call me lonely if I go to catch a movie by myself.
Don’t call me depressed when I don’t choose trash talk but my own company of intelligent thoughts.
Don’t judge me on a Saturday when I sleep till late.
Don’t measure your idea of having fun, to my idea of fun.
I choose to live my life with just enough hype to keep me grounded, true and rooted to who I am.
© Melanie Arendse